Frequently cancelling invites or not turning up at the last minute?

If so, you aren’t alone and it’s something that happens to more people than you could ever imagine.

The desire to drop out at the last minute can strike at any time. Even when its something you’ve been looking forward to.

If you have tolerant and understanding friends you might just be able to get away with it. But, you could find invitations starting to come in less often.

Words like flaky, difficult, unreliable, indecisive or worse can come to mind. But the reality is often the complete opposite.

Maybe this doesn’t affect you, but you have friends who cancel on you. If so read on, this will be good for you to read as well. Maybe that there’s a justifiable reason for why your friend keeps ‘letting you down’. The frequent cancellations could be due to anxiety. It might also be specific to social anxiety or even be a mild form of agoraphobia.

Here are some of the thoughts people might have when accepting or pulling out of an invite:

• They felt excited and had every intention of going. But, at the last moment started thinking of everything that could go wrong. Things that aren’t even worrying about for many, but are important to them.

• They can worry about simple things. It might have been would they find the place?  Would they be too early? Would they have someone to talk to? Would they feel comfortable or would they know what to say?

• Anxiety can get them at any time. Any day or at any time, it’s not something that they can predict. It’s also more likely to occur when they are going out or are about to go out of their comfort zones. The simple act of leaving home can be quite traumatic for some.

• They might appear to be confident and even hold down good, high pressured jobs. Even high functioning people can have poor mental health and find even basic tasks difficult.

• A little voice of self depreciation can nag away in their heads. If its louder than the voice of reason and logic, then they might have to decline the invite at the last moment.

• Even when they do cancel, they want you to  understand and not stop inviting them. The fact that you invite them can mean the world to them. Not turning up is not a reflection of their appreciation or the friendship.

• Some are fine doing things that they are comfortable with.  For instance, when its a place they know. They may have learned to cope with their anxiety. But, if its somewhere new, or a little different to normal then they might be starting from square one as far as their anxiety is concerned.

• Anxiety can be draining. People with anxiety can fret and worry over an invite all day, even days before the date. They will often have lost some sleep too. So by the point they are contemplating going out they could already be down to their reserves of energy. They might not have the physical and emotional energy to get through the event, or evening.

Anxiety comes in all shapes and sizes, it can defy logical reasoning. If you recognise yourself in this article it might be worth talking to your friends if you trust them sufficiently. It might make all the difference.

Its also worth remembering that your friends aren’t mind-readers. They might not have experienced this before so don’t know how to respond. They likely have no idea of what you are going through.

Some have found it useful to manage expectations in advance. Rather than diving straight in and accepting an invite – you can give yourself options. ‘I’ve not been feeling so great, lets play it by ear’, or ‘Things are a little hectic at the moment, could we take a rain check and meet when I’m in a better head space’. Phrases like these can help explain your situation to others. They can be useful when you don’t want a full blown conversation about your mental health.  You’ll need to find what works for you.

You may also find it useful to think about which of invites you seem to be able to accept and attend more readily and those which you don’t. This can help you understand what you are feeling. It might be about the location, or the people. It might be that in some situations and with some people you feel more comfortable talking, but with others self-doubt and a lack of confidence creep in. Trying to understand when you are affected the most can help identify areas for personal development.

For some, they might have tried everything that they can think of and it might still be difficult. This could be the time to consider talking to a professional counsellor. They trained and experienced in understanding what you are going through. They can help you identify changes that you could make in your life to help you. They are also good at showing you coping mechanisms. With a little help you might be able to overcome what you are experiencing, or at least reduce the impact.

Just booking a counselling session might seem daunting. However, most if not all mental health professionals will give  you a warm welcome into a comfortable, positive, judgement-free space. Some also offer video counselling. This can make it easier to attend a counselling session as you won’t have the burden of going to a new place.  It can allow you to have the session from your safe place, your home.

And, if you have a friend, who cancels often, a little empathy will likely go a long way. Showing that you understand might make a world of difference and help them show up more often. Even if it doesn’t, they’ll at least know that you don’t see their absence as reflecting a failure in your relationship.