5 things parents and carers need to know about mental illness

Many parents and carers will be hoping that they are getting it right, but at the same time worrying that they are getting it wrong. For the vast majority of us, we haven’t been trained. At best we emulate the good and bad that we have seen in our parents and other adults and go day to day second-guessing the best approach to take.

But the childhood and teenage years are important for your child’s emotional development. It is the point in their lives where they develop the coping skills that will in future help them handle everything that life throws at them. The parents and carers input is vitally important to helping their young-ones find happiness and realise their potential.

Too often the views of the children themselves can end up being ignored as the parents ‘know better’. However, if we take the time to listen and stand in our children’s shoes – showing empathy – we can get some valuable insights from them.

What teenagers would like parents and carers to know.

A group of teenagers were asked by mental health charity Mind Jersey what they wanted every parent to know. Their responses likely typify what many children have felt. You might even recognise your own experience in what they say.

We’re not lazy

‘We aren’t just typical teenagers being lazy. Sometimes we just don’t have the energy to get up and go to school or pick the laundry from the floor. It’s not just us being lazy, often we don’t have enough energy left after fighting with our minds to either stay alive, get through the day, cope with the pressures of growing up or from working out what’s going inside our heads.’

Anger won’t help

‘It’s important to know that getting angry won’t be beneficial. Quite the opposite, because it won’t encourage your child to open up and that’s not healthy. Calm conversations would be more helpful when you have genuinely got the time to sit down and try to understand what you are being told.’

Just Listen

‘Sometimes we don’t want to hear your advice or opinion, we just want someone who will listen to us and that we can rant or express ourselves to. Don’t just listen so that you can respond, listen to give us with your ears so that we have time to express what we want to. If you are just listening for the moment to get your word in, then you are not taking on board what we are saying.

Believe Us

‘Believe us when we tell you we are struggling. Quite often we are told, “what have you got to worry about, you’ve not got bills, you’ve not got to worry about all of this?” But this dismisses and belittles our feelings when we are struggling.’

It’s not your fault

‘It’s not your fault, you have not failed as a parent and don’t internalise that. Don’t become angry with yourself and then your child, because that’s not helpful.’

What can parents do to help their children’s emotional well-being?

Honest communication

We can see from the comments given by the teenagers, that they want a dialogue where their thoughts are valued and in which they feel listened to. They want to be able to express how they are feeling without judgement or being told what to do or how to feel:

Below are some suggestions for how you can help support honest communication:

• Make regular time to talk to children about how they are feeling.
• Listen, whether they are having problems or just want to talk and share.
• Refrain from passing judgement or imposing your views on them.
• Answer questions as honestly as possible or if you can’t do this yourself, find someone who can.
• Help them understand that they are not responsible for how you yourself feel.
• Work as a team, respecting that we are all individuals of value and can at times help each other.
• If your child isn’t comfortable talking about their feelings with you, encourage them to talk to a trusted friend, family member or teacher. If necessary help them find an independent party such as a school counsellor or independent therapist.

Track their mental health

Just as it is recommended for ourselves, we should understand and follow our children’s mental wellness. Through observation, we can understand their emotional highs and lows, know what helps them, or makes them feel worse.

• Keep an eye out for when your child stops participating in something that they usually enjoy.
• Notice when your child becomes withdrawn or quieter than usual.
• Pay attention to when your child becomes angry and aggressive. Try to listen and acknowledge their feelings without resorting to anger or emotionally charged language yourself.
• Go along to parents evenings and listen to the feedback on how your child is coping and developing emotionally.
• If your observations give your cause for concern, talk to your doctor or a child development professional such as a qualified counsellor who works with children and/or adolescents. They will have the experience to help both you and your child.

Be alert to children taking on too many responsibilities at home or at school.

Some children have to ‘grow up fast’ and in many cases start sharing adult responsibilities at a very young age.

• Be alert to the fact that responsibility can cause stress in a young child or teenager. They may not yet have developed the skills and tools to help manage what seems like a tiny bit of work or pressure to you. In your context, the responsibility may be insignificant, but in their lives, it may have a bigger more impactful context. Understand their challenges in their context and as if you were in their shoes.
• If the child has caring responsibilities for a sibling or family member, ensure that they can balance those responsibilities with things that they enjoy doing. Make sure that they still get their own time.
• Build time into your child’s schedule for them to do nothing. For you, it might seem wasteful or even lazy, but for them, it provides them time to understand their thoughts and feelings and to let their imagination grow. Let them decide how they want to use that time.
• If you think your child has too many responsibilities – or if it appears to them that they do, then think whether a better balance can be achieved. If necessary seek help from schools, agencies or charities or get advice from parenting professionals or a counsellor.

Think about what they want for their own lives.

Helping your child find what makes them happy and to identify their goals can be a satisfying part of being a parent.

• Talk to your children about how they feel their school and friendships. Take time to understand the pressures and stresses that they might be feeling. Show them that you want to listen and support them through it. Where possible identify ways in which you can help reduce any pressure or stress. You might even be able to help them understand available coping mechanisms.
• Support the development and growth of their friendships. It might be that you can support them finding more friends, or can let them invite friends over, or to meet up outside of the home sometimes. Remember their ideal friends might not be your ideal friends – respect that as far as is possible.
• Help them take part in activities that they enjoy.
• Respect your child’s need for privacy. Even at a young age, they develop a sense of self-awareness and a need to have their own space.
• Encourage physical activities to help them let off steam, and reduce stress, worry and anxiety. Exercise is well known to be beneficial to our mental well-being.

And look after yourself

Most importantly take time to think about yourself. Not just in terms of how you interact with your child, but how you look after yourself, practise self-care, self-love and show your children that it is ok to express your feelings.

Remember that if you aren’t taking proper care of yourself, you probably won’t be doing the best for your child either. Provide them with the role model that they need and you’ll likely find that you will both feel better.

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed or in need of help

As we said at the beginning, being a parent or carer is rarely easy and we receive little or no help to prepare us for what to do or say whilst raising or caring for our children. For some it can be totally overwhelming and leave us not knowing what to do next or which way to turn.

At times like these it can be useful to talk to a School Counsellor or independent therapist who specialises in supporting both parents and children.

Maria Luedeke at Aspire Counselling, Singapore is a qualified Counsellor who works with people wanting to improve their mental health. Maria works with parents and adolscents, or others needing help and support with the children in their lives.  Maria is available to provide support and guidance both face to face and over secure video counselling, working both locally and internationally.